Pause. And get your toes scratched.

Hang with me for a sec. Because I will have a point. Eventually :)

At the start of a new year, I always reflect and consider something I need to work on, change, alter, adjust, etc. Two years ago, my goal was to keep up with my hair. May sound completely shallow to some of you but it wasn't. There's a backstory there. I had just had a baby, I felt pulled in a million directions, and I never did my hair anymore. My thyroid started to get crazy. I was put on pills. Terrible really. So me vowing to keep up with my hair meant taking care of myself. It meant I needed to pause, schedule time for myself, etc. That was a really big deal. And I did it. It was also awesome how there was a trickle effect into other things. It was awesome.

So this year, my focus is to pause. Take a moment. Doesn't mean I don't know how to hustle, or work hard, or that it means I stop. But pause. Kind of the opposite of react. How powerful, really, if you think about it. Harsh words can fly out of my mouth sometimes. Me saying yes to something before I think about it. Eating extra bites of something when I'm already stuffed. Some good pauses will be helpful for all of those things.

So I started today with a massage. And it was awesome let me tell you. There's a place I go to over Colima and the people there are legit. It also gets a little wacky sometimes but it's cool. For instance, the guy will scratch the tops of all my toes during the foot massage portion. He will also lift up my legs and let them drop. Like freefall. Boom. At one point today, I was laying on my stomach and he moved my leg into a tree pose position and proceeded to stretch my hips. Amazing. He also kept burping every five minutes which was weird and I really wanted to offer him some digize and peppermint. But then I just went with it and embraced it. I also think he could tell that my upper back has been really tight recently. As he was digging his elbow into my back, I tensed up. And he sort of whispered but loudly said "it's okay." And it was. My body listened to his direction and I relaxed. Pretty dang awesome. I was there for a 70 minute massage. And it was $30. That's some good self care right there.

So why do I have a picture of abundance in this post? Because when I pause, I can remember some good words from the Lord. Like abundance. I have everything I need and then some. We are not lacking. In everything, give thanks. Be still and know. Be still. Pause.

Happy New Year.

Em

Laughter is the best medicine

Okay so question for those people out there that are crazy busy and you feel like you can't keep up with your home stuff, work stuff, clean up the yard crap, keep up with everything crap, etc.

So that is me. Like all the time. I'm always trying to keep up and be as efficient as I can. So, for instance, if I just changed Jack's diaper, as I walk out of his room to the kitchen trash can, it becomes a game for me to see what items I can pick up and put back in their place on the way to the kitchen trashcan. So that later I won't have to pick those things up. I can proudly announce that I did it in one swoop on my way to throw out a crap diaper. Bam! I know you are totally jealous of my skills.

So I clearly needed a weekend away to breathe, regroup, etc. With no children.

When was the last time you laughed your freaking head off? And was just yourself and didn't worry about judgement. You were just absolutely free.

So you can imagine how excited I was to have a weekend in Scottsdale, Arizona to relax, see my fellow lemondropper peeps, have a blast, etc. I was so freaking ready. And oh my gosh - we had the best time.

There were awesome people and awesome discussions going on. So much encouragement. And holy crap let me tell you - I laughed so hard all weekend.

That was seriously the best part. I freaking cracked up throughout the weekend which has left me feeling rejuvenated, connected, and free to be myself. There were random moments of running around a resort during a scavenger hunt trying to find photos. I was trying to hunt down someone dressed as a lemon so I could take a selfie with them. Say what?! There was a Target run (of course) where Missy Elliot is blaring out the windows and the guy in the car next to us didn't pull up next to us at the signal because, well heck, 3 moms blaring Get Ur Freak On from a Honda Pilot could seem crazy to some people. But you know what? Who the heck cares?

Why do I care about what people may think of me sporadically breaking out into a run to find a person dressed up as a lemon? Why do I need to worry about what people will think of me as I do a Whip Nae Nae at a conference? I don't! And it was so freeing.

A random bride and groom kept knocking at our door at midnight because they were trying to find their friends. So I go out to the balcony and yell loudly if it's Gladys. Because I thought it might be Gladys. This got the bride and groom to stop knocking.

My sister asks the server at the sushi place if the fish is firm while she is also making hand gestures which makes all of us crack up. Including the server. Who became really red and couldn't finish his speech about the fish because, hello - firm.

In the car on the drive there, I really wanted to blare some Peter Cetera from the car because I'm thinking Who Doesn't Love Peter Cetera? Well, apparently lot's of people don't love Peter Cetera. Two for sure don't - Natalie and Gladys (be prepared girls to get some happy mail with some peter cetera tunes included on a compact disc). Did I mention I'm a 33 year old mom of 2? Who's not apparently hip? Don't care! Love me some Peter Cetera!

On the drive home, we had to stop to pee. As we are waiting in line, there's two people taking up lots of time in the bathroom which can only mean one thing if you catch my drift. This is why you always need to be prepared with oils so you don't suffocate. Anyway, Nat then comes out of the bathroom hardly able to speak because she's cracking up so dang hard. She starts spitting out random sentences about the toilet and how whatever was in the bowl before her radiated heat. And how the lady before her must have held the heat in as she sat on the toilet. I'm telling you - HISSterical.

There was awesome conversations, goal setting, plans made, etc. And even texts this morning about how we are already working today on our goals. Because we have some pretty crazy big dreams. And guess what? We wrote them all down yesterday. Which makes things real and a little scary. But that's what Lemondroppers do - make really big crazy dreams and then hustle like crazy to make it happen. All while completely understanding that you are never too good to clean the floors. Serving others, encouraging others, helping others - what a wonderful tribe we have found.

You're Welcome

Simplify your life! Why would I waste time doing something when there's an easier way? I am going to share with you 10 ways I make my life easier. Hold on to your pants - you are about to be blown away. And disclaimer - I am typically behind the times with most things. We do not own cable television for instance so I never typically know what is going on in the world. So some of you will read this list and think, "my pants did not blow off." So I apologize ahead of time.

1. Online banking.

Who left of you is not doing this and why? I can't remember the last time I bought a stamp and I can't even tell you how much a stamp costs. 40 cents? No clue. Paying my phone, electric, and gas bill in 46 seconds while sitting on the toilet while my kids are in the bath is the best invention ever. EVER.

2. This thing:

Whatever the heck this thing is has saved me on many occasions. You use it to open lids. I got it as a wedding gift and it was one of the best gifts ever. This and my flower print screwdriver that comes apart and has any attachment you may need.

3. Dollar Shave Club.

Holy heck where has this been my whole life? Lets have a reenactment shall we?

(Tony yelling) "Babe we don't have any more razors!"

Me: "Not true my sweet potato! 5 new ones just came in the mail for $3.64. We never need to leave the house to buy razors again!"

Tony: "I knew I married you for a reason!"

4. Young Living Essential Oils.

Tummy stuff? Here's some peppermint. Feeling low? Here's some joy. Think you're sick? Diffuse some thieves. This stuff has saved my life and made my life so much easier since my friend told me about this two years ago.

But oh you picked up your lavender from CVS and also picked up a chemical burn in the process? No folks! Not a darn chance! I will only buy from YL. The purest of the pure, they've been in the essential oil business for 21 years so they have had a beautiful amount of time to learn how to achieve the purest of the pure essential oil, they have a Seed to Seal guarantee because their stuff is distilled slowly at low pressure low heat so as not to lose the therapeutic properties of the plant, you can visit their farms - you know I could go on and on right? They are the best of the best. Don't waste your money or time on anything else. And if you have, come to my house and we will compare our stuff. And I will win. Boom.

5. Winder Farms delivery.

Food delivered to my door every Tuesday morning that I have picked out the night before? So if I need something it just shows up and I don't have to leave my house with children or wondering if I put on deodorant? Yes please! Minimum purchase is $10 a week and you can skip weeks. Amazeballs.

6. AAA

I have been a member of AAA for about 12 years. Yes you can get a tow, jump, get your keys out of your locked car but this is not why I do it - never dealing with the DMV is why I do it. Tags expiring? Walk right into AAA and hand over your car registration money for those cute stickers that the government makes you get every year. Need to add your husband to the title of your car? AAA will do it! The DMV would mess that stuff up. And ruin your life.

7. Thieves Cleaner.

I use this stuff for everything. EVERYTHING. And you don't have to evacuate your family to use it. I spray it on my countertops, windows, mirrors, ants, carpet stains - 1 bottle typically lasts me a year and costs about $22. One capfull per spray bottle and then you just spray away and wipe with a cloth. Easiest thing ever. Makes cleaning quick quick quick. Smells like cinnamon and Christmas.

8. Essential Beauty Serum

I use this on my face morning and night and my skin has never felt better. I do not use face lotion - I use jojoba oil with two drops of this stuff. Lasts me about 2 months. Costs $19.

9. Wine in a box.

Nothing more to say other than you're welcome.

10. Unfiltered Organic Apple Cider Vinegar

Add some to your water for digestive stuff, clean with it, I use it in my hair about once a week - gets rid of build up and my hair is so soft and shiny after. Itchy scalp? Mix a little with water and pour it on your head. Itch is gone and your smile will return. Stinks to high heaven but at least my hair and scalp feels great.

And there you have it folks! May you all rest a little easier tonight because of this info!

-Em

Sleeping through the night? When does that start?

Last night cracked me up. 

Because if I didn't laugh, I would have thrown in the towel. Or ran off into the humid night air to sleep in one of those tunnel slides at the park to find rest.

We have a rule in the Dual home - everyone starts in their own bed. You are free to come to our bed at some point during the night if needed to finish the rest of your blissful sleep but this bed is mommy and daddy's. 

And by 'start in your own bed' we really mean everyone can start in our bed until they fall asleep. And then I will carry the lighter one to bed and Tony will move the taller one. Perfect arrangement right? Feel free to take notes on our perfect parenting. 

At some point between 11pm amd 1230am Jack wakes up. Sometimes I pretend I don't hear him on the monitor in case Tony swiftly comes to the rescue to get him. Or I'll poke Tony in the ribs pleading, "Please will you get him?" Based on his response, it will determine who gets to make the trek, half asleep, to get our wonderful child Jack. Then I get to start the night long nursing session with Jack who will climb over me every 20 minutes or so for the "udder side." Breastfeeding can be so glamorous right?

When I wake up at some point because I'm huddled on the edge of the bed with one corner of a sheet covering my shoulder, I'll notice Ava has also made her way to our bed. 

So this leads me to my crack up night. Jack fell asleep so I put him in his bed. I dragged Ava to her bed where she fell asleep. I began congratulating myself way too soon so by the time I turned on Netflix, I began to hear Jack on the monitor. I stayed really still, sort of like someone just heard me robbing their house so I was holding my breath (I've never robbed anyone btw but that's what I imagine it would be like) but at the same time praying "Nooooo Lord! We had a deal!" No idea what that deal was by the way. Salvation for a night with no kids in the bed? No clue. 

But I still had some hope - I didn't think it would take Jack long to get back to sleep. And I was right - an hour later, I'm carefully carrying him back to his crib, still arranging a deal with the Lord if Jack stays asleep, all while using my best ninja moves to lower him into the crib, remove my arms from around his body, and silently run the heck out of there as if I was light as a feather, stiff as a board. *Some of you may remember that game. 

Totally worked and I was just turning Netflix back on when the eldest child comes in and curls up. Noooooo! Then 15 minutes later, here comes my best friend Jack and that's when the cracking up started. Because I could have easily cracked open some bourbon or the front door to escape and cry. But no - I just decided if I didn't want to go crazy, hysterically laughing it was!  Maybe it's the lack of sleep for years. Maybe it's the wacky thyroid hormones. Hard to tell really. 

And each night I'm thinking why in the heck did I not oil anyone up?! So now tonight, I'm not going to forget! Every child will get some rutavala, cedarwood, and lavender. Unless I forget or fall asleep. And then I'll just have to remember to do it tomorrow. 

Sometimes I torture myself by thinking about when I was kidless and I could sleep whenever. Oh you're feeling tired? Just fall where ever you land and sleep for hours on end. There's no one who's survival depends on you therefore, rest thine eyes for a few and drift away into a blissful, uninterrupted sleep. Or maybe the birds chirping may interrupt you or the sun streaming through your curtains may cause you a bit of a stir. Poor thing. Poor freaking thing. Ugh, now I sounded like a jerk. Let me take a big yoga breath right now. 

So just laugh mommies. It seems to be working for me. Clearly. 

Brazilian Boom

My life was changed this morning.

I had my first encounter with a Brazilian wax and let me tell you - right after your experience,  you have to call someone and talk about it. Sort of like if you're in a car accident or you just felt an earthquake - you immediately have to report how it felt for you, if you're alright, and if you're going to live.

The first person I called was my sister. She didn't answer so I quick hung up without leaving a message and called my friend Ashley. She luckily answered right away and just heard me out, totally understood, and during part of our conversation, I just ended up laughing and couldn't speak. I tried calling my sister again but she still didn't answer so this time I left a message and told her "Yo - I was just waxed. Call me."

Because you have to talk about it. Right?

It was the most interesting thing. You just lie down on the table, butterfly your knees out to the side, and have bits of conversation where half of the time, you have no idea if your response even pertains to the question. Some of my responses were a quick nod, a chuckle, blurting out I had two children. I have no recollection if she even asked me if I had children. It just seemed like the right thing to say.

My hands were very sweaty. She was very kind and upbeat. She started by cleaning everything. And I'm talking everything. I personally have never been as thorough as she was which makes me wonder if I've been doing things wrong for 33 years. I don't know if she used a wet nap or Clorox wipe. It's really neither here nor there. But it did set the tone that no area was off limits.

And then came the wax. I was very aware that she was getting closer and closer to, well nevermind, and each time she slapped wax on me, I thought, "Now she's gonna have to rip that off."

At one point, you bring your knees up to your chest to get into your best cannon ball position. It was at this same point that I had given up on life and all of my dignity was gone. She still seemed very cheerful though so clearly, I was going to give her a good tip. Because you've gotta stay classy, amirite?

Then you get dressed and leave. And then you start calling people. And then when your friend calls you to go to lunch, you tell her to pick where we're going because you are not making any more decisions for the day.

I have another appointment in 3 weeks.

Like A Girl

What does it mean to run like a girl?

What just popped through your freaking head? If it wasn't a girl running as fast as she can, let's change that, shall we.

This commercial resonated with me from the first time I saw it:

https://youtu.be/yIxA3o84syY

It is something I have been mindful of as Tony and I raise our daughter. 

And I think we made progress today :)

Today Ava and I were playing soccer out back. She kicked it once not very hard and I heard her say, "Ugh, I didn't kick it like a girl."

My head whipped around - "What did you say?"

Ava: "I said I didn't kick it like a girl." 

Meaning, girls kick it freaking hard and I'm going to try again.

Yep Ava. #LikeAGirl

And Jack will know the true meaning of that phrase as well. 

Let's all teach our daughters that phrase shall we? 

Carry on.

-Emily

To the salesman at LA Fitness ...

To the guy at LA Fitness who isn't getting a sale from me: I get it. You're in sales right? Well guess what? Me too kind of. And let me tell you the first thing about sales. People want to feel heard.

So when I walk into your establishment with a kid on my hip and a 7 year old and ask loudly "I just quickly want to know how much this will cost to sign up and per month" I don't need you to shuffle me over to your desk. When you see me still standing and  refusing to move, you just need to tell me the cost. Because clearly, I don't have time to go to your desk. And then when you don't let up so I give in and walk to your desk (so congrats on that move), I will let my one year old tear up the papers on your desk. And guess what? I don't even care. Because at that point, I'm thinking, "this guy doesn't care. And he didn't freaking hear me. So go ahead Jack - have at this awesome guy's paperwork." And when he looks at me like, 'why are you letting your kid destroy my desk?' I'll tell him - "see you didn't hear me Mr. Man. I told you from the moment I walked in that I just really quick wanted to know the cost so I could get a membership for my hubs for his birthday. Did you not see the active child on my hip? Did you not hear what I said? Can you not read body language? Because guess what? If you would have shouted at me "It's 199 for 40 bucks a month or 99 for 45 bucks a month!" You would have grabbed my attention. You would have basically sold me. And then you could have shuffled me over to your desk like the tired mom I am and said, "guess what? We even have child care. And today we have a special for 50 dollars off. You want me to do that for you real quick?" I would have kissed you. And gave you my money. Because you didn't waste my time and you connected with me. But the minute you didn't hear me and all I heard was "I want this sale", you lost me buddy. You need to be a lemondropper is what you need. Holy crap.

End rant.

Her Tribe

I've been dying to tell you this story. Seriously dying. Because it's been a life changer. And who doesn't love life changing stories? Whack jobs I tell you. Whack jobs don't like life changing stories. And bitter people. But there's oils for them so it's okay.

Once upon a time there was a mom. And her daughter was sick. So she found something different and everything changed.

And then she had to tell everyone. Because when things change your life, you tell people.

And then other people started to love them. And everyone celebrated together. Because more lives were changing.

And in the midst of everything, a mom found her tribe. Because she had been lost for a while. Didn't have many friends really. Was tired a lot and never did her hair. Was in a rut. Remembered a time she felt beautiful. But it seemed so long ago.

And now she was talking to people. And texting throughout the day. And helping, and learning, and listening. And doing her hair. And meeting people for coffee. Her tribe.

She was booking plane tickets to Idaho (you da pimp - couldn't resist - sorry) on a whim. And texting her mom and sister at night saying, "You want to go to Idaho?" And they're like, "Yes, we'll go with you." So now she's basically a world traveler.

But most importantly, she is seeing why the good Lord brought her to this journey. And seeing it all come together. And it all started with her daughter.

Miss Ava.

Ava, who's name came to me in a dream and when I woke up in the morning (before I even knew I was having a girl), I told Tony - "we have to name her Ava." Because in my dream, I was a nurse helping deliver a baby. And when the baby was born, I asked her name and the mother told me Ava. And I picked up the phone and called Tony to tell him that the lady named her daughter what we named our daughter. And when the day came when I was going to have our baby, I was heading in for my c-section after being in labor forever, and the nurse says "what are you naming her?" And as I told her, the nurse says, "Why, that's my name."

Our daughter's name is supposed to be Ava.

So now there's this group of people. Who support one another. And help each other. And pray for each other. And it's life changing too. And why aren't you a part of it yet?

The end.

-Emily

We're saving

In one year, Tony and I will have been married 10 years. CRAZY to think that ten years have passed. Seriously crazy.

When we were planning our wedding, it wasn't hard. Our main goal was that everyone had a BLAST. We wanted people to dance. And crack up laughing. And just freaking have a great time. And when your focus is clear, everything heads in the right direction.

I remember vividly going to pick out our cake. And we were only going to pick out a cake because it was included in the price of the venue.

We showed up on a Saturday morning at 9am. The lady who was going to help us wasn't there yet. She was about 5 minutes late. We looked through a book, pointed to something that looked good, Tony took a few sample bites of cake, picked something out - done. It took us about 4 minutes to pick out a cake that we wanted.

We stood up to leave and the lady said "Wait - I have more books for you to look through." And I thought to myself, "Why? It's a cake."

Because all it was was a freaking cake. This was a wedding we were planning. Not a marriage. Marriage has nothing to do with freaking cake. We were only picking out a cake because it came with the price. If we had it our way, we would have picked flan. Or arroz con leche. But we didn't have much money and our parents were helping us with the wedding. So cake it was. And it didn't freaking matter.

So we are now saving. Because next year is our tenth wedding anniversary. And we don't want cake.

We want freaking flan.

And we want to have a dinner with people at our favorite restaurant - Phlight.

It's kind of scary to put it down on paper. Your goals. But we're doing it.

We want an awesome dinner with awesome food. We want a babysitter at our house to watch children. We want to go to karaoke after to sing and crack up.

See, it's not about cake.

It's about serving others. We wanted other people to have a freaking blast at our wedding. We wanted to watch people have a grand ol' time. We had so many people come up to us to say "this is the best wedding ever!" Because that's what it was - a wedding. Not a freaking marriage.

Marriage is all about doing stuff for the other person. That's it. It's not "what can I get from this? what can I gain? How 'come he's not doing x, y, z?" Just stop. Just freaking stop.

Sometimes I have to tell myself to stop.

It's "What can I do for Tony?" What can I do to make sure he wants to come home to me EVERY SINGLE DAY?

Because I can be annoying. I can be cray cray.

I am a sinner.

But I love him, I do. I want him to be with me FOREVER.

And I will save and save and save to have a dinner where we give back to the people who are our family and friends and rocks.

We want to give a dinner to those who are part of our clan.

We are the Duals. The fab freaking Duals. And we want to share our tenth anniversary the way we feel is best.

Because at the end of the day, it's not what I get that matters, right?

It's the freaking flan :)

See ya'll next year folks.

-Emily

I see why people would run off

I totally get why some people may just drive off to get away. To get some sleep. To find some quiet.

If I ever did this, I would return. Probably after 3 days. Any longer, and the mommy guilt sets in. Plus I would really miss my husband and children. I do love them so dang much.

But I'm so tired. It's not just being a mommy. It's having hyperthyroidism too. I feel yucky quite often. My heart is always racing and I get agitated pretty quickly. I could see how driving off and sleeping for awhile sounds absolutely fabulous.

I've thought about where I would go. Idaho, Oregon, or somewhere in California. Because I know people there and I could visit them.

I have everything planned.

Day 1:
I would hide out at a salon/spa place all day and get multiple treatments: hair, massage, exfoliate, waxing, mud something. Just fabulous.
I'd go for an awesome vegan dinner with some really great adult beverages.
See a movie.
Go to sleep.

And the sleep would be glorious. There would be no child sucking me dry. Other children wouldn't be in the bed. There would be no crumbs in the bed from a child the day before. I wouldn't be teetering on the edge because of other bodies taking up space. I would just sleep until I woke up.

Day 2:
Breakfast and coffee at a hole in the wall place. I'd make friends with some people who worked there. We'd become facebook friends. I'd share my oils and they'd put joy all over themselves. We'd hug.

I'd walk around town and buy a few things. Call home. Find an awesome ice cream place.
Take a nap.

Go to a library.

Find an awesome place for dinner. Eat all of my own dinner. Children would not be eating my dinner. I would not order dinner thinking "what could I get that the baby could eat?"

I'd get dessert.

Call home.

Another glorious sleep.

Day 3:
Pack up.
Read at the airport if I traveled by plane.
Have one of those cinnabon cinnamon roll things. With extra frosting.
Hug my family.


But it wouldn't really be like this. I'd be pumping because you can't be away from a baby without pumping if you're nursing. I'd wonder what my children were doing, what they had for breakfast, did they watch too much tv, did they say something funny? I'd want to get home early to make sure laundry was done for the week. Do we have lunch stuff and snacks for Ava for school? Does Jack have enough baby food? You really can't rest, you know?

Maybe one day I'll do this. But actually no. I don't think so. I'd want Tony to come with me.

So now I just need the childcare  . . . . :)

What in the hey hey?

If I could rewind time back to when my Ava took meds for her asthma. If someone could tell me about oils before she got sick with pneumonia. But you know, I probably still would have rolled my eyes and said, "thanks but no thanks crazy lady."

Because when we're desperate, we'll do anything, amirite? We will buy crazy oils. We will rub them on our vita flex points (what in the world?!). We will wonder if the oils we bought are first distillation only, cold pressed, etc and then breathe a sigh of relief when you learn they are and are tested by 3rd party people.

You will get invited to a camping trip to YL's lavender fields in Utah. Because YL has their own farms don't cha know. Does your oil company have any of their own farms? Ugh, I sounded like an oil snob right there. #sorrynotsorry

And ya'll know I will use these forever. You know that right?

Because how can you not use something that made you throw away inhalers? How do you not use something that changed your life? How do you not tell the world?

Everyday I thank Him. Because He knows I prayed. And in the hospital, I prayed. And this oil journey has turned out to be freaking fabulous.

Just wanted to remind ya'll. ;)

Once upon a time

Once upon a time there was a girl. And she had some awesome friends and she laughed all the time and stayed up late. She was studious. And shy. And wanted to be cool.

And then once upon a time there was a girl. She used to lay in bed on the weekends and watch Law and Order: Criminal Intent. And had a crush on Vincent D'onofrio. And she used to do her hair and makeup. And sleep in. 

And then there was a girl who was married. And made dinner. And tortillas on the weekend. And loved her new life. And still slept in. 

And now there's a girl who's a mommy. And she's tired a lot. And goes to bed early. She never sleeps in and she doesn't care about being cool. She doesn't make tortillas anymore. She has a crush on her husband. She doesn't really do her hair. But she knows that doesn't matter. And she feels so loved. And knows that's all that matters now.

And she's the happiest person ever. 

The end. 

Hooter Hider

I basically wear my hooter hider all the time.  It's sort of part of my everyday outfit.  It's always draped around my neck.

My sister washed it for me the other day :) It had been awhile.

It is the same one I wore with Ava.

One day I won't be nursing babies. And that will be bittersweet. 

Nursing's tough at first.  You've just birthed a human and are exhausted.  You're the only one who can feed the baby.  All night long, a child is feeding from you. 

I remember when we first brought Ava home from the hospital. One morning Tony said, "wow, she slept so good last night. " Um yeah, that's because she was on my milk bags all night.  I'm glad you slept so soundly. Because I slept on my side with a child yanking on my boob for hours. And now that Jackson's bigger,  he can do crazy acrobatics while still staying attached to my feed bags. 

I haven't slept good in 7 years.

There's always something to listen for - a child's coughing,  baby's awake,  child makes their way into your bed, somebody peed. Did you lock the doors? Did you set the alarm?

Why do I even set the alarm anyway?  No one in this house has overslept since our first child was born. The power could go off and our cell phones could simultaneously die and we would still wake up at 6am.

And if a child does sleep longer than usual,  you worry even more - Why are they sleeping so long?  Do they have a temperature?  Are they feeling okay? So see,  there's no rest even when children do sleep.

I'm not complaining.  It's just the way it is right now.  I use a lot of oils and pray quite a bit.

And one day, I'll wish I was still a mommy to two little kiddos.

Where does the time go?

He ordered FOR me.

A few weeks ago, Tony and I went to dinner. I think it was our first date since having our son. But maybe not. It's hard to remember when you have a 9 month old feeding off your milk bags all night. But I'm almost positive. But not really.

We went to have a great dinner.

It was more than great.

Tony ordered for me. I had mentioned what I wanted but he took care of it all. Asked me my opinion sure - but took care of everything. If I needed another drink, he got it. When the server asked what we wanted, Tony did the talking. I just sat back and was taken care of.

It's not that I can't talk or order for myself - of course I freaking can. But to sit there and be taken care of by my husband and father to my children? Well that's quite possibly the sexiest thing ever.

Best dinner ever.

Best husband ever.

Best man ever.

The end.

Freaking Elf

I didn't think I would ever own a freaking elf on a shelf. I was totally against it. I read blogs and articles about how people should hate it and I agreed even though I didn't have one. My daughter wanted one last year so bad. And it didn't help that my sister had one last year.

Nope. Wasn't gonna do it.

And then this year came around. And my daughter still wanted one. And my mom shoved a 20% off coupon in my face to Bed, Bath & Beyond so I could go get it. I really didn't want to. But then we read the book it came with and I thought, "Hmmm, that's kind of cute." And I started to soften.

And now I just freaking love it.

Ava probably only has a couple more years of thinking there is a Santa. She asks me sometimes if there's a Santa now and I answer by asking her, "Do you think there's one?" Not that it will soften the blow at all when she finds out but I feel like I can't say yes. And then we talk about why we have Christmas. Because it's not about Santa.

This little elf has actually been quite fun to have around. It's pretty awesome to see how excited Ava gets to see where Rosabelle ended up the next morning. And I've TOTALLY gone there during a moment of desperation and said, "That little elf is watching you not listen!" Ugh. Yes, don't listen to me and be worried about consequences - worry about what the elf might tell Santa.

Great.

Tony's even gotten into it. He'll get up at night to move it. If he leaves for work before I wake up, he calls me and asks during the conversation where Rosabelle ended up. I love that he's a good sport.

My dad wouldn't have been a good sport. My dad wouldn't have even known we had one. But my mom would have got us one. Because she always wanted to do special things for my sister and I.

Christmas growing up is not something I totally remember. I remember some parts but they're not very pleasant. Because when you're growing up with an alcoholic, narcissist, grumpy man, it's not about Jesus or watching how excited the kids are. It's about him. And how everyone should wait for him. And how he's not ready yet. And look you went and started without me because I was purposely making you wait - so now I'm going to pout.

I'll stop. I could go on and on but I'll stop. My oils help me stop. But I will say this - my mom had to do so much. So, so much.

So Christmas NOW is just awesome. It's not just me wrapping gifts or setting up presents under the tree on Christmas Eve. It's Tony and me. And we are a freaking awesome team.

Merry Almost Christmas everyone,

-Em

One year ago . . .

Wow. Nearly 1 year ago, we were driving Ava to the emergency room because our thermometer gave a reading of 105.1. When we got to the hospital, they took it twice - first time was 106. Second time was 106.2 - I nearly lost it. What in the world was wrong with our little girl? I was ready to FREAK OUT.

Every year starting in the fall, Ava would get sick. And every year, it was getting worse.

Three years old - doctor says she has reactive airway disorder. Okay cool. Gives us two inhalers and a pill to take. Doesn't really seem to help her but whatever - follow the doctor. Then gets strep throat. Takes antibiotics. Goes away but comes back. So antibiotics again.

Next year - 4 years old. Gets strep throat TWICE. So two long rounds of antibiotics because again, the first round doesn't quite kick it to the curb. Plus always has her horrible coughing attacks. Getting a little more nervous. But whatever. Do as I'm told.

Following year. Five years old. I'm in the ER. She has 106.2 temp. I didn't even have to wait the six hours in the ER that you hear about - they just took us right in. Doctor came right in as we walked in. Someone came in with a bag labeled "stat" and started drawing blood. And I'm standing there helpless. And pregnant. What in the world is happening? Also thinking "how much is this costing me right now? I mean, I don't care - help my daughter. But oh man. The bill will be coming."

I'm still paying the bill.

That was the week I bought my oils. That was the week my life changed. That was the week I thought, I have to do something else. I have to try something else. This isn't working. Things are getting worse. Forget what I was doing. Why would I keep doing what wasn't working? Just FREAKING STOP.

This year was awesome. I threw away her inhalers and pills two weeks ago because they were expired. We haven't had to use them. She wasn't on antibiotics this past year. She didn't have strep throat. She's good. We're good. Haven't paid a co-pay for her this year. Yes, I'm still paying last year's hospital bill but whatever - at least I'm not adding to it. There are no more tums in my medicine cabinet. No pepto. No claritin. Threw them out. Expired. Haven't used them. We have benadryl for Tony and his epi-pen of course - we're not insane. But other than that? Our bathroom cupboards are pretty bare.

So yeah, nearly one year ago I decided to be different. I wasn't just going to stand there and be told. I started to move. And oh boy. Have things moved.

Maybe she wished she could lactate

I have so many questions for my dog child Rubi - does she regret not being able to have children? Does she wish she could lactate? All I know is this - anything breast milk touches, she chews up. It's like she's a freaking meth addict who waits until everyone leaves and then BAM - she's off to find her fix. She has eaten many of my shirts since we brought Jackson home from the hospital - she literally eats two holes through them - coincidentally enough, the holes happen to be in the exact same area where my milk bags reside when I am wearing the shirt. Hmmmm. Just the other day she somehow managed to pull my breast pump off of a stool, pull out the boob sucker things and ATE THEM TO PIECES. I yelled, she ran, and I had to run off to target that night to buy more lactation equipment. The VERY NEXT DAY she did the same thing.

That's when I got tears in my eyes.

I was so mad. I was so mad at my freaking dog. I was so mad at myself that I didn't put my pump up higher so that she couldn't reach it (I mean, I should have learned my lesson right? It was just 24 hours prior when she did the same thing), I was so mad that I feel like I run around all day and rush home as soon as I can to be with my babies. So there came the tears. 

I went to work today with only one suction cup breast thingy for my pump. Which means it would take me twice as long to pump since I could only do one side at a time. So when I was leaving for work this morning, I was not looking forward to my pumping sessions for the day. Then as I got halfway to work, I realized I didn't bring my freaking joy oil. Holy smokes. The day was not starting well. You know if I don't have my oils I may die right? 

So around noon, I shut and lock the door to my office, I pull out the one boob sucker thing, and I start making my free range, organic milk. With my other hand now free since I'm not pumping two boobs, I actually am able to drink my water, have a snack, play some candy crush, and sort of lean to the side in a relaxed position. 

Then the tears started again.

My boob suckers were meant to be eaten. I needed to only have one. I needed to sit and take my time - no rushing. I needed to stop and just be - the Lord needed me to just stop. JUST STOP. Don't rush. Take my freaking time. I am pulled in so many directions and I was losing my focus on the Lord. Because that's when everything starts to go wrong isn't it? When our eyes are not focused above. I have learned that lesson many times.

So I regrouped. I remembered why I am here on earth - to bring glory to God. That's it. That's the reason. 

My joy oil is ready for me in the kitchen when I wake up. I just washed my one boob sucker so that I can take it tomorrow to work. And now that I am reminded in a quite amusing way where the Lord needs to be, everything settles in quite nicely, doesn't it? 

And you know the tears started to flow again as I wrote that last part right? 

Yep, back on track.

-Emily

Things I know for sure . . .

Ahhhh, children are in bed, my breast pump stuff is washed and drying for tomorrow, and Tony put clean sheets on our bed today - all is well in the world.

I just rubbed a drop of peppermint oil on my stomach diluted because my tummy was feeling a little out of wack. Mommies can't be out of wack. And yes you read that right - I used only one drop. Just one. These oils are so powerful and pure and I respect that. Less is more in the oil world. And then they last for a long time. Ah, I love not paying for Ava's asthma meds anymore. Because that whole med fiasco kept turning into MORE - "oh you need to have her take TWO inhalers now, not just the one." Ugh, no - give me less.

I do love modern medicine too though - it seriously is brilliant. Organ transplants, reattaching limbs, etc. You should have seen how amazing doctors were helping my niece after she was born with a kidney issue that I can't even pronounce. Seriously amazing. And I only saw some of it. My sister saw the whole dang thing. But some peppermint for a tummy issue? Yes please. Hold the Tums.

There are some things I wish I had more of - like time. Or more hands. Or a housekeeper. But that really wouldn't help me now would it? If I had more time, I would just be busier. If I had more hands, they would be doing other things and not focusing on holding my babies. If I had a housekeeper, I would probably feel the need to tidy up before she arrived so what's the freaking point in that?

Here's a list of things I know for sure:
1. The Lord needs to be first. Believe me.
2. I will never buy another Nissan.
3. If you are carrying a bunch of items in your arms, your child WILL find you and WILL walk slowly right in front of you.
4. Always have water with you when nursing your child. As soon as your child starts to suck your milk bags, you will feel like you will DIE OF THIRST.
5. Learning how to type in high school was one of the greatest skills I learned.
6. Getting laser eye surgery will change your life.
7. One day, I will go to heaven.
8. I love my husband more today than I did when we got married.
9. Disneyland is the happiest place on earth. Unless your child is screaming. Or unless someone is standing near you with an undercooked turkey leg. Then it's not the happiest.
10. If you have a small child, they will need you as soon as you sit down for a meal.                                    
11. Take care of your automobiles.
12. My arthritis/joint pain is basically non-existent when I don't have dairy.
13. Having good boundaries with people will change your life.
14. Saying no is perfectly fine.
15. Act your wage (shout out to Dave Ramsey right here)
16. My children mean the world to me. I pray for them EVERY SINGLE DAY.
17. You do not need to know how to fold a fitted sheet. If you do know how to fold a fitted sheet, I will still like you.
18. Giving parenting advice is always a wonderful idea (I HOPE YOU ARE PICKING UP MY SARCASM).
19. Never ask someone if they are pregnant.
20. Children will have to poop whenever you leave the house.

Happy Thursday everyone.

-Em

I want a do-over

So I haven't mentioned this to anyone but Tony but I want a do-over. I would love if you could rewind time and back it up to when I thought my water broke early Sunday morning on March 16th. I want to stay at home that day and see if I could wait until Monday the 17th when I would of had a different anesthesiologist for my c-section. And the past few times recently that I've had to go back to my doctor for a postpartum check or to pick up a doctor's note, the smell of everything in those offices brings me right back to all of those prenatal appointments and feeling Jackson move inside of me. And I see all of those pregnant women in there and I wish it was me sitting there waiting to be called. Waiting to hear my son's heartbeat on the doppler. It's not that I'm wanting a third child - I want to re-do what happened. Because some parts I loved and I want to go through it again. And some parts were really hard and I wish it could be changed.

I loved so many parts of Jackson's birth and staying in the hospital. We were relaxed walking into the hospital, we felt calm and prepared, the nurses prepping me for surgery were great, Ava was being cared for back at home - just perfect.

Then the anesthesiologist started his work. I'm hunched over a table, trying to stay calm, yes I'm a little nervous of course but I've had a c-section before so I'm not freaking out. And my right leg just jolts up as I feel this electric current through my back and down the back of my leg. It hurt. Bad. And then I start tearing up but it just keeps hurting as I feel the pressure on my back and the pain. So now I'm crying and the nurse sort of jokingly says, "Awe Dr. so and so, you made her cry." So I try to laugh too thinking, ok that's over now, just take everything in right now - your son is about to be born.

Well then I just can't seem to stop the tears flowing from my eyes. I'm trying to lay there and appear so happy and as though "I've got this" but I can't stop crying. And then all of the tugging and pushing and I can't seem to calm down. I start to feel sick to my stomach and I try to ask the doctor for help. But he seems to have ADHD or something and was not sitting right by my head like the doctor who was with me when I had Ava. So he finds his way over and says, "remember -we talked about this - you may feel sick." Sort of in a condescending way like I'm a child. Sort of in a way that gets me to stop talking. And then more tugging, can't breathe well because everyone's reaching in everywhere - and then I hear crying. Awesome cries coming from our baby. And I just tried to just focus on his crying and listening for his stats to get myself through the final part of this surgery. I hear someone say "8 pounds 11 ounces!" And I remember thinking "wow, he's a big boy." But then the dry heaving started and I thought I might choke or aspirate on my vomit. They brought Jackson over to my face so I could see him and everyone around me is happy, and talking, and there's music playing, and all I can do is nod to show "yes, I see him." But I really just wanted them to take him away. Because I felt so sick.

I want to do that whole part over. I want it to be different.

Everything after that was great. I mean, seriously awesome. Ava got to hear the news first that she had a brother. She got to see him first and we just hung out together - our new family of 4. We had so few visitors which is what we wanted - I nursed whenever Jackson wanted to, didn't have to worry about modesty at all, loved the nurses that helped me and brought me drinks. It was all about caring for my baby, healing from surgery, and just taking it all in. When I had Ava, I felt like it was all about visitors and me thinking "let me wait until they leave to feed her" - it wasn't about healing and caring for my baby. It was caring for my company. And that was wrong.

So this part, after having the baby but still being in the hospital was AWESOME. The nurses were on it. It was amazing. I loved getting up at night when Tony and Jackson were asleep and cleaning up the room, putting everything in it's place. I would walk at night around the hall and then feed Jackson while watching Law & Order SVU on the tv. Tony got my oils out and gave me a foot massage with my orange oil. The room smelled delicious and clean from that oil. We opened the blinds every day and the sun shined in. Ava did her homework afterschool with us at the hospital. An old friend from my swim team days was a nurse there and came into see me and we talked and talked one night. The lactation consultant was the same one I had with Ava and we talked about where she moved recently and where her boys went to school. I felt like a mommy again. I felt wonderful.

I know I can't have a do-over. I get that. And I'm not one to dwell on things very long so I don't know why this keeps coming up for me. So that's why I figured, maybe I need to write everything out - just to get it all out.

I love my babies like you wouldn't believe. And I know I can't do the parts over that I wished were different.

But I still want a do-over.

-Emily

Happy Father's Day!

It's 4am and I'm wide awake. Like, let's get involved in a trivia match right now because I'd just freaking kill it. I think it's because for almost 3 months now, Jackson has wanted to eat every 1 hour and 45 mins round the clock and for the past week or so, he's decided, "You know, now I think I will sleep for 6 hours straight." SIX HOURS. Ho-lee-mother I am so well rested and stoked right now I seriously considered digging out some workout clothes and going for a morning jog. But then I thought, "it's dark outside - what if I run into a coyote?" So then I briefly thought about doing the dishes but I shuddered so here I am blogging instead.

It's also father's day today which I love. I love watching Tony with his babies. They love him. He loves them. And he gets to be with them every darn day. I freaking love that. Because he gives something to our family that I can't give because I'm a mommy. If Ava's scared or thinks she heard something, it's all about daddy. Daddy will fix it. Daddy will make sure I'm safe.

The other night, we were coming home from something and as Tony was unlocking the door, he must have sensed something wasn't right so he went inside to check everything. He just opened the door, said "don't come in - wait right here" like his ears or something alerted to who-knows-what. Everything turned out fine so I'll save you the suspense, but just knowing his strong presence was there to do whatever manly thing needed to be done - I love that. He would stand between us and danger in a second. And we feel safe.

He doesn't just contribute safety to the family in case you're thinking we just use him as our bodyguard. He's the one who doesn't freak out if someone is hurt. He sets an even tone for chaos. He's the let-me-cook-you-breakfast-in-the-morning (did you catch that people? COOK. The most I do is put cereal bowls out in the morning). He loves reading Shel Silverstein to our children. He just started reading the Harry Potter series to Ava. He can totally give "the look" and Ava knows he means business. *I have a look too by the way but when it doesn't work, I've totally resulted to "I'm going to have to tell your dad when he gets home" and it immediately straightens our child out.

So fathers are a really big deal. Like, really big. And part of me right there wanted to say they are bigger than mommies - that's how important they are. Some of you might disagree with me on that point. But deep down in my gut, it just feels right to say. I know I'm important to my children. But I KNOW Tony is important to his children. Maybe it's because I know what it's like when the dad is not too "with it." But now that I'm married and have children and see how awesome Tony is with Ava and Jackson, dang it means so much to have an awesome Father, you know? And biblically, hello! Referring to the Lord as our Father and everything that means - Father's are a big deal! A huge deal.

Happy Father's Day people. Your families need you more than you may think.

-Emily