I want a do-over

So I haven't mentioned this to anyone but Tony but I want a do-over. I would love if you could rewind time and back it up to when I thought my water broke early Sunday morning on March 16th. I want to stay at home that day and see if I could wait until Monday the 17th when I would of had a different anesthesiologist for my c-section. And the past few times recently that I've had to go back to my doctor for a postpartum check or to pick up a doctor's note, the smell of everything in those offices brings me right back to all of those prenatal appointments and feeling Jackson move inside of me. And I see all of those pregnant women in there and I wish it was me sitting there waiting to be called. Waiting to hear my son's heartbeat on the doppler. It's not that I'm wanting a third child - I want to re-do what happened. Because some parts I loved and I want to go through it again. And some parts were really hard and I wish it could be changed.

I loved so many parts of Jackson's birth and staying in the hospital. We were relaxed walking into the hospital, we felt calm and prepared, the nurses prepping me for surgery were great, Ava was being cared for back at home - just perfect.

Then the anesthesiologist started his work. I'm hunched over a table, trying to stay calm, yes I'm a little nervous of course but I've had a c-section before so I'm not freaking out. And my right leg just jolts up as I feel this electric current through my back and down the back of my leg. It hurt. Bad. And then I start tearing up but it just keeps hurting as I feel the pressure on my back and the pain. So now I'm crying and the nurse sort of jokingly says, "Awe Dr. so and so, you made her cry." So I try to laugh too thinking, ok that's over now, just take everything in right now - your son is about to be born.

Well then I just can't seem to stop the tears flowing from my eyes. I'm trying to lay there and appear so happy and as though "I've got this" but I can't stop crying. And then all of the tugging and pushing and I can't seem to calm down. I start to feel sick to my stomach and I try to ask the doctor for help. But he seems to have ADHD or something and was not sitting right by my head like the doctor who was with me when I had Ava. So he finds his way over and says, "remember -we talked about this - you may feel sick." Sort of in a condescending way like I'm a child. Sort of in a way that gets me to stop talking. And then more tugging, can't breathe well because everyone's reaching in everywhere - and then I hear crying. Awesome cries coming from our baby. And I just tried to just focus on his crying and listening for his stats to get myself through the final part of this surgery. I hear someone say "8 pounds 11 ounces!" And I remember thinking "wow, he's a big boy." But then the dry heaving started and I thought I might choke or aspirate on my vomit. They brought Jackson over to my face so I could see him and everyone around me is happy, and talking, and there's music playing, and all I can do is nod to show "yes, I see him." But I really just wanted them to take him away. Because I felt so sick.

I want to do that whole part over. I want it to be different.

Everything after that was great. I mean, seriously awesome. Ava got to hear the news first that she had a brother. She got to see him first and we just hung out together - our new family of 4. We had so few visitors which is what we wanted - I nursed whenever Jackson wanted to, didn't have to worry about modesty at all, loved the nurses that helped me and brought me drinks. It was all about caring for my baby, healing from surgery, and just taking it all in. When I had Ava, I felt like it was all about visitors and me thinking "let me wait until they leave to feed her" - it wasn't about healing and caring for my baby. It was caring for my company. And that was wrong.

So this part, after having the baby but still being in the hospital was AWESOME. The nurses were on it. It was amazing. I loved getting up at night when Tony and Jackson were asleep and cleaning up the room, putting everything in it's place. I would walk at night around the hall and then feed Jackson while watching Law & Order SVU on the tv. Tony got my oils out and gave me a foot massage with my orange oil. The room smelled delicious and clean from that oil. We opened the blinds every day and the sun shined in. Ava did her homework afterschool with us at the hospital. An old friend from my swim team days was a nurse there and came into see me and we talked and talked one night. The lactation consultant was the same one I had with Ava and we talked about where she moved recently and where her boys went to school. I felt like a mommy again. I felt wonderful.

I know I can't have a do-over. I get that. And I'm not one to dwell on things very long so I don't know why this keeps coming up for me. So that's why I figured, maybe I need to write everything out - just to get it all out.

I love my babies like you wouldn't believe. And I know I can't do the parts over that I wished were different.

But I still want a do-over.

-Emily

Happy Father's Day!

It's 4am and I'm wide awake. Like, let's get involved in a trivia match right now because I'd just freaking kill it. I think it's because for almost 3 months now, Jackson has wanted to eat every 1 hour and 45 mins round the clock and for the past week or so, he's decided, "You know, now I think I will sleep for 6 hours straight." SIX HOURS. Ho-lee-mother I am so well rested and stoked right now I seriously considered digging out some workout clothes and going for a morning jog. But then I thought, "it's dark outside - what if I run into a coyote?" So then I briefly thought about doing the dishes but I shuddered so here I am blogging instead.

It's also father's day today which I love. I love watching Tony with his babies. They love him. He loves them. And he gets to be with them every darn day. I freaking love that. Because he gives something to our family that I can't give because I'm a mommy. If Ava's scared or thinks she heard something, it's all about daddy. Daddy will fix it. Daddy will make sure I'm safe.

The other night, we were coming home from something and as Tony was unlocking the door, he must have sensed something wasn't right so he went inside to check everything. He just opened the door, said "don't come in - wait right here" like his ears or something alerted to who-knows-what. Everything turned out fine so I'll save you the suspense, but just knowing his strong presence was there to do whatever manly thing needed to be done - I love that. He would stand between us and danger in a second. And we feel safe.

He doesn't just contribute safety to the family in case you're thinking we just use him as our bodyguard. He's the one who doesn't freak out if someone is hurt. He sets an even tone for chaos. He's the let-me-cook-you-breakfast-in-the-morning (did you catch that people? COOK. The most I do is put cereal bowls out in the morning). He loves reading Shel Silverstein to our children. He just started reading the Harry Potter series to Ava. He can totally give "the look" and Ava knows he means business. *I have a look too by the way but when it doesn't work, I've totally resulted to "I'm going to have to tell your dad when he gets home" and it immediately straightens our child out.

So fathers are a really big deal. Like, really big. And part of me right there wanted to say they are bigger than mommies - that's how important they are. Some of you might disagree with me on that point. But deep down in my gut, it just feels right to say. I know I'm important to my children. But I KNOW Tony is important to his children. Maybe it's because I know what it's like when the dad is not too "with it." But now that I'm married and have children and see how awesome Tony is with Ava and Jackson, dang it means so much to have an awesome Father, you know? And biblically, hello! Referring to the Lord as our Father and everything that means - Father's are a big deal! A huge deal.

Happy Father's Day people. Your families need you more than you may think.

-Emily