My life was changed this morning.
I had my first encounter with a Brazilian wax and let me tell you - right after your experience, you have to call someone and talk about it. Sort of like if you're in a car accident or you just felt an earthquake - you immediately have to report how it felt for you, if you're alright, and if you're going to live.
The first person I called was my sister. She didn't answer so I quick hung up without leaving a message and called my friend Ashley. She luckily answered right away and just heard me out, totally understood, and during part of our conversation, I just ended up laughing and couldn't speak. I tried calling my sister again but she still didn't answer so this time I left a message and told her "Yo - I was just waxed. Call me."
Because you have to talk about it. Right?
It was the most interesting thing. You just lie down on the table, butterfly your knees out to the side, and have bits of conversation where half of the time, you have no idea if your response even pertains to the question. Some of my responses were a quick nod, a chuckle, blurting out I had two children. I have no recollection if she even asked me if I had children. It just seemed like the right thing to say.
My hands were very sweaty. She was very kind and upbeat. She started by cleaning everything. And I'm talking everything. I personally have never been as thorough as she was which makes me wonder if I've been doing things wrong for 33 years. I don't know if she used a wet nap or Clorox wipe. It's really neither here nor there. But it did set the tone that no area was off limits.
And then came the wax. I was very aware that she was getting closer and closer to, well nevermind, and each time she slapped wax on me, I thought, "Now she's gonna have to rip that off."
At one point, you bring your knees up to your chest to get into your best cannon ball position. It was at this same point that I had given up on life and all of my dignity was gone. She still seemed very cheerful though so clearly, I was going to give her a good tip. Because you've gotta stay classy, amirite?
Then you get dressed and leave. And then you start calling people. And then when your friend calls you to go to lunch, you tell her to pick where we're going because you are not making any more decisions for the day.
I have another appointment in 3 weeks.
